His Hands

A couple of weeks ago one of my friends that I follow on Instagram posted a photograph of her son's hand on hers and captioned it "This little hand will be bigger than mine before I know it."

That simple truth stopped me in my tracks and utterly took my breath away.

Now, every time Kamuela puts his tiny little hand in mine, when he reaches up while nursing and hooks his fingers in my mouth, when he cups my chin as I lean over his carseat, when he falls asleep clutching my finger... all I can think is that one day his hand will be bigger than mine.

Already he has grown so much. The tiny newborn baby that fit so perfectly under my chin, curled up on my chest, is now a chubby little baby that sprawls across me, breathing on my neck, hand touching my back and feet dangling off the side of me. He is simply growing too fast and each day he is the smallest that I will ever see him again, a fact that very much breaks my heart. Not because I don't want him to grow, I do, I just don't want him to grow away. Because when that little dimpled hand of his is bigger than mine, he might not reach for my hand anymore, he might not seek me out for his comfort, love, protection, and joy. My hand won't be the one to hold him, to watch over him, to soothe him, to steady him, to love him. How will I trust any other hand to do these things, the things that truly, only a parent can do properly?

I feel the weight of responsibility pressing down on me as I realize all that Josh and I must teach our son. More then which hands to trust, we must teach him how to use his own two hands. We must teach him how to use his hands for so many things: to feed himself, to hold himself up, to grab on to what he wants, and also how to offer a hand to those in need, to have a gentle touch when kindness is needed, to clench his fist in protection, never in anger, to dig his hands into the earth, to splash in the water, to hold fast to his faith, to hold off the devil, to let go of hurt and insults... so many things.

I am more then a little terrified of this great and humbling responsibility that I have been entrusted with, it is daunting to say the least. But not impossible. Thankfully I have the most amazing partner by my side in this adventure of parenthood and he is everything that I could wish my son to be. I am the luckiest girl in the world to be married to him and I pray every day that I can raise my son to be just like him. And as if that wasn't enough, I have God and I will trust him to guide my hands, to guide Josh's hands, as we teach our son.

Oh Kamuela James, I love you so much.


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