Grammy, I love you.




I don't like hospitals. I don't like how they look, I don't like the way they smell, and I really do not like how they make me feel. This normally isn't that much of a problem, as I rarely have occasion to go to hospitals. However, now it is a problem because my grandmother is in the hospital. Dieing. And when someone is on their deathbed, most people rush to their side to say goodbye. Me, I don't so much rush. It's not because I love them any less then those who rush, it's just that I don't like seeing people in the hospital. I don't like seeing them when they're weak and ill and not really themselves. It makes me so uncomfortable and more than anything, it breaks my heart to think that my last memory of someone is when they're at their worst! I don't want that. I want to remember them alive and healthy and laughing and being themselves, not being a mere shadow of who they used to be. Just a couple of weeks ago, I took my Grammy out to the movies and we saw "Dear John". A couple days later, my mom and I made Grammy and Papa a ham dinner at their house. The very last time I talked to Grammy on the phone, we were making plans to take a trip to Eugene and Medford. These are the memories I want to hold on to, these are the moments that are precious to me and it's so hard for me to cover up those memories with ones of her in the hospital, sick, weak, and drugged to the point of confusion. That's not my Grammy. I don't want to seem unloving or disrespectful in any way, that is not why I'm avoiding the hospital, I love that woman so much and she is truly one of my best friends. I know that she knows how much I love and admire her and how much I've cherished our movie dates together. It breaks my heart to think of a future without Grammy. What will Cow Camp be without Grammy sitting in her chair, reading the latest romance novel? What will Christmas morning be without Grammy there to tell us we all slept in too long and she tired of waiting for us? I'm absolutely devastated at the thought of Grammy not seeing me walk down the isle on my wedding day or being able to meet my children. But I know she's been in a lot of pain for a while now, I know she's had trouble breathing and has felt so weak and useless, so more than her being in my future, I want her to be at peace. It's selfish of me to want her to live forever so that she can always be there for me and I need to get over that and want what's best for Grammy. I love you so much Grammy, if you can, please get better soon. If you can't, be at peace and know that we all love you.


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